From Her Healing Heart

hersFor all my life I have wanted to love you but felt unsafe to do so. I didn’t see that we were both raised in a culture that dishonors emotions, intuition, aging, the body, and sexuality.  I thought it was just us women. I focused on “our wounds” and dismissed yours.

I have been in awe of your power, grace, strength, intelligence, and vision. Yet, was afraid that you had it easier than me. In my fear, I lost the best part of me, and judged the best parts of you.

I didn’t know that inside me is a Priestess of Love, a Warrior of Soul, a Divine Mother, and an Innocent Girl. I didn’t know that you could see it, and would feel frustrated & betrayed that I was keeping them from you. I am on my way back to reclaiming the power & beauty of me. As I do so, I will join you in the celebration & sharing of us.

I apologize for not knowing that you had your emotions beaten or shamed out of you, and that your brain patterns are different than mine . I am horrified that in not knowing this I became an emotional rapist. Pushing to get to your emotions, and not knowing how it was life or death to you to protect them.

I apologize for thinking that my life was hard but yours was easy. Not seeing the ways that our culture shames, blames & constrains you as much as it does me. Nor recognizing that you work harder, die younger, and die in wars and violence more often than women.

I apologize for using that you are attracted to me to get my way, or get you to do things for me, or get you to pay for things for me especially when I had no intention of being sexual with you. Also, I apologize for not understanding how much that would hurt you.

I apologize for not seeing my own beauty, and putting all the responsibility on you to make me feel beautiful. I didn’t know how sad & confused you would feel about that. I didn’t understand that it is my job to discover my own beauty & self-worth, and then to celebrate it with you.

I apologize for not owning my passion & power of arousal, and putting all the pressure on you to make me feel in the mood for lovemaking. I didn’t know that it is my job to know my own body, and it’s pleasure. At least to know it enough so that I could invite you to collaborate with me in our mutual discovery instead of being angry at you that you weren’t a better guesser.

I also apologize for feeling that my attraction to you meant that you had power over me. I am really so very attracted to you. I didn’t know how to appreciate & celebrate that attraction without feeling less than you, or feeling that you had to do something for me, or give me something.

I apologize for not know that I had become addicted to the high of falling in love, and blaming you that my body chemistry has an expiration date. In that shaming, and blaming, I would justify treating you badly, or even cheating on you with another “fix.”

I apologize for not seeing the knight, king, hero, and sacred being inside of you that wanted to get out. For not being aware of my capacity to not only arouse your cock but your mind, your heart & your soul. For not being aware of the power inside me and using that power against you. I was so lost & unconscious of my own feminine allurement. You did not deserve that.

I apologize for being angry at your noticing & celebrating the feminine around you. I was so sad & insecure that I was afraid. I was afraid that if you noticed & appreciated another woman it meant that I was less than or not good enough. I didn’t understand that it was part of your male aliveness, and an honoring of the magic of the feminine to arouse and inspire.

I apologize for shaming you for objectifying me for my beauty when I was objectifying you for your ability to provide for me & protect me. I didn’t realize how depthful & complex we each are. I didn’t know that you longed to be seen beneath your actions, and heard beneath your words as much as I did. I didn’t know what a burden I was putting on you to have a role instead of to be a person. I didn’t know how hard we were each struggling to get outside our stereotypes and meet as human beings.

I apologize for pursuing you like a goal, and for treating you as less than a treasure.

I apologize for assuming that you owed me for being attracted to me. That somehow the mere fact that you found me attractive was a burden you had to pay for. I think this arises from one of the most wounded places in our culture around sex itself.

I apologize for not knowing or remembering that sex is sacred. When I remember that I honor & bless your body with my breath, kisses, energy, & fluids. I honor the precious vessel of your body; home for your soul. When I forget, I am at war with myself and you. I blame you for wanting something in me that I am disconnected from.

I apologize for not know that each human being (male or female) is their own culture. Each with our own customs, and important traditions, well loved and well known. I apologize for not understanding that there is no right way. There is only tradition & custom for what is right, or the braver path to discover what is right, right now.

I apologize for assuming that my way was the right way, and better than yours, rather than asking if you would brainstorm & collaborate with me a way to find our way.

I apologize for having hidden agendas and covert agreements. Not trusting myself enough, or that I was worthy of love enough, to speak my truth, or give a safe container for yours.

I apologize for asking for your feelings & truths when I was not safe to give them to. When I judged you and shamed you for being in an imperfect process of becoming just like me. Then held anger for you for not having the courage to keep going in the face of my criticism.

I apologize for focusing more on what I could get from you, or needed from you, rather than on what I could give to you. Not understanding the grace & beauty available in giving with a full & generous heart. Not knowing that in feeling like a greedy beggar of love, I was making a curse reality.

I apologize for not understanding that when you asked me to cook, or clean for you, that you were wanting love expressed in a tangible way. Similar yet different to my wanting you to pay for things, or fix the sink.

I apologize dear heart, for not knowing how I looked from the outside; how beautiful, frightening, challenging & changeable. I didn’t know that what made sense to me on the inside, or from the internal logic of being raised in the culture of women, would be so unreadable for you. I thought you didn’t care. I know now how wrong I was.

I apologize for keeping it a secret how my desire, passion & need of you locked me inside a head that was painful for me. I didn’t know how to give you the keys to let me out. I didn’t know how to let myself out. I wanted you to save me. I didn’t know how to save myself. I didn’t know that I needed to find my own Little Girl inside, and to develop my own Loving Nurturer.

I apologize for not seeing the wounded little boy & shattered young man inside you with love. My own wounds called out too loudly for me to see & have compassionate space for yours. I feel horrified that I did not have tenderness for the tenderest parts of you.

I apologize for overgiving and then resenting you. I apologize to saying yes to things, when inside I knew it was a no. Then hating you for accepting the yes. I apologize for allowing huge wells of rage to build up that were toxic, and spilled out over & over into our relating. You didn’t deserve that. No one ever does.

I apologize for setting & advocating for my boundaries through the archetype of The Tyrant. Yelling. Shaming. Blaming. I apologize for not having nor expressing compassionate limits & boundaries in a graceful way that were NOT against you but for me.

I apologize that I offered compassion for your wanting to date other women, and instead gave you judgment. I was so frightened. Lost. I needed you more than I loved you when we started. I couldn’t give you any freedom. It is horrid to think of how I wanted to cage you so that I would be safe & could feed off you when I needed it.

I apologize that I judged you over and over, and was blind & dismissive of your underlying pain.

I apologize that I began our relationship needing you more than loving you. It is a toxic algorithm. No one deserves to be used as a fix, and have demands put on them. Demands that stifle the authenticity and surprising arising of what is true for two people. I am so sorry that I treated you that way.

I apologize that I did everything I could do to win you. Things I knew would not be sustainable over time. I lied. I misrepresented. I was manipulative in the worst ways. I listened to what you most wanted in a partner, and pretended that I would be able to give it to you, so that I could get access to your commitment & devotion.

I apologize that I was so lost that I couldn’t find you and that we couldn’t travel from darkness to light holding hands & celebrating a new light.

I pray that these words nourish you in knowing that you are incredible human being that deserves all the best that life has to offer.

May your heart find its true home…

One comment on “From Her Healing Heart

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